Happens when you wish pure delight for the object of your affection. Even when it means his life doesn't include you.
I asked Cedric to assess my "Starry Friend" story, since I like the wistful sentimentalism in it. I thought he would be able to be impartial and give his honest opinion. But all he said was, "Not your best writing. Too much Steven."
Wow. Haven't heard jealousy as pronounced as that. As I recall, when Steven talked about the girls he loved or liked, I never sensed any form of distaste. I listened attentively, to give him all the support he needed. I want him to be happiest. To find that girl he's always dreaming of. And this is the whole truth. Not a manipulative show of bravery. I don't want him for myself. He must rely on his heart, instead of listening to mine.
If all that prettified superstition proves to be true, that there is such a quixotic phenomenon as "soulmates", we will find each other in the end. Won't we? How unworkable it may sound.
I don't live for tomorrow, or for yesterday. It's the here and now that matters. I know what I know, and I am doing the best I can for everyone. I don't have the need to beg for love and attention. I am good on my own. So is everyone else. We are never lost, nor directionless. We only need to listen to our hearts.
It's not reason. It's emotion. When you feel something again and again, that's truth. No justification, no complication. It's there. Right there within you. Run as you might, and it will still call for you. Desires. Dreams. Yearning. The one to turn to.
Some get what they want. Some struggle and search. Some let go. We realize that life is not about restraining others to comply with our demands. Or imposing our prerequisites of a make-believe world they cannot cling to.
And I have reached the final stage of my love: wishing you true happiness, even when I'm not in it. Knowing you is enough. Loving you is the finest memory of my life.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012, 12:36 AM